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Dear Self,

Just because some of your friends are not the most overtly friendly, welcoming, affectionate people does not mean they secretly hate you or like all their other friends more than you. Some people are just not very outwardly affectionate. They would in fact tell you if they didn't like you. Deal with it, live with it, because this is the source of many of your problems lately.

Thanks,
Me

And now for everybody else - a meme! I didn't post the first version of this that went around last year, so I feel like I should this time. Answers to number six will probably be kind of sad, though, because I am lame and can never remember interesting animals.

Comment and:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal.

I feel hideously boring at the moment. Just...totally uninteresting and unoriginal. I also wonder why I bother with pretty much anything, as it's all going to amount to nothing in the end, which I realize is a pretty cynical worldview. Also kind of pissed off at my friends in general, as nobody has been around at all (well, except for Jesse. Who I'm not pissed at), and I'm getting restless and irritable. The fact that my e-mail account is eating all e-mails sent to it, yet apparently has nothing wrong with it, is irritating. Anybody who needs me can catch me at momijizukamori[at]gmail[dot]com for now.

I'll probably be in a better mood in the morning, but right now...well, I guess all the people new around here can see where Asher gets his temper. Maybe I'll go play with Isaac and Raphael some. They're boring too, but I like them anyway.

...And it has nothing to do with my friends, for once. (Well, actually, I'm posting this to avoid posting about friends-drama which I am more upset about but everyone is sick of hearing.)

So. Sunday night I got involved in a minor car accident. I was in Boston, after having dropped Mara off at the train station, and I was trying to get onto 93-S to get headed back home. I wound up in the right lane when I needed to be in the left lane, and as I switched lanes, the guy in the left lane switched into the right lane and there wasn't enough clearance between our cars, and my front right bumper clipped the corner of his back left bumper with a noticeable lurch

So we both pull over, guy gets out while his girlfriend stays in the passenger's seat, looks at the car, and then starts talking to me. I panic, because this is my first real car accident, but some phone calls are made, and it's decided that he would get an estimate done and call me, and my family would decide if we would just pay then (to avoid the possibility of raising our insurance premiums) or go to the insurance company. As he drives off, I see the damage, which is a roughly six-by-six inch scratched up section - no denting, just the paint.

Girlfriend calls Monday, gets my dad, tells him that the estimated damage was $400, and gives my dad the name and number of her boyfriend. Upon any inquiry as to the body shop the estimate was done at or their insurance company, she just says 'Ask my boyfriend.' So my dad calls the boyfriend, we discover that the girlfriend is the actual owner of the car, and the boyfriend claims he doesn't know the body shop or insurance company off the top of his head, but will find out. There is a collective moment of 'Well, shit.' here as we suspect that they just made up some number, and were very possibily driving uninsured (which is illegial here in MA). But we figure we'll wait and see.

Then, today, their insurance company calls - I figure they decided that if we weren't giving them their $400 without more info they'd just go straight there. I talk to the agent, and discover they said they were at a full stop while I remember them being moving. This apparently means that I may have to deal with another agent later this week because the agent I spoke to doesn't handle those types of claims. We also call our insurance company to let them know, and I talk to that agent as well.

The long and short of it is that apparently if the damage is less than $500, we have no increase in our premiums. The fact that I'm no longer facing paying $200+ out-of-pocket is nice, but I still feel like total shit about the whole thing, and have all week - kind of like I want to go curl up in a corner and die of shame or something. Which is probably why I'm doing a massive write-up here. I also feel like shit about friends stuff, which this made worse, but there will be time later to rant about that.

I was actually in a pretty good mood coming home from work, after getting all my work on Twelfth Night done earlier and laying the metaphorical smackdown on this old man who insisted we were open until 10:30, when in fact the pool closes, and has always closed, no later than 9:30.

But oh, one little sentance on my friendslist and my heart is back to that lovely, lovely sinking feeling I've managed to finally avoid for a couple weeks. I'm on top of my school work, now I just need to get on top of the rest of my life...

Also, Calculus continues to bite.

Screw feeling abandoned, I now feel replaced. Did I really mean that little to you, that you can just do that? Fuck. I hate my life. And Calc 1, which is unfortunately part of my life.

I have a new copy of Good Omens and some new Fruits Basket, and somehow this doesn't cheer me up at all -.-

Kelsey! Try to catch me tomorrow, we need to talk RP stuff so I don't have to go back and edit the hell out of this reply later XD

In other news, work sucks, still, but I will still be at it this fall which means money. My car also died - I've been told it's probably the gas pump. Got out there and the engine wouldn't start. I do get to sleep late today, though, which is a plus. Dunno about Otakon yet, bleh.

...Also, you've got an interesting defintion of 'two or three days', I think, but whatever. Your move, as always.

Was listening to my Cranberries CD today, and thought I might as well share a few tracks. Kinda angsty Irish rock with an awesome female lead singer.
The Cranberries - I Can't Be With You : Kind of my state of mind today, I think, except the bit about the kid. I don't want to have anyone's kid, at all.
The Cranberries - Zombie : My favorite track from the CD, if only because I really love the melody.

I had a dream last, that I was on the ground begging forgiveness from her, and she seemed to accept, and then left anyway. I hate my sub-consciousness sometimes. I also agreed to work a five hour shift tomorrow, which I now regret, even though I need the money. Such is life.

I do have marshmallows and black stripy fabric which is mildly nice.

Because I don't know when to shut up. I assume people who don't want to hear it are skipping all these entries anyway at this point, so I suppose it's alright.

In short - I still do love her, and I want everything to work out and to be happy again. However, I'm being to increasingly face the reality of the situtation, which is that I'm not sure it can, not without some major changes.

She asked, or more correctly, ordered me to delete the last entry I made on this subject. When I more or less refused, she blocked me again. She's probably angry at me for saying she did this, even. However, this is one of the few morals I won't cross - a commitment to letting the truth of the matter be known, and of standing by what I've said. I've never deleted an entry from my journal, even the ones that I knew in retrospect I probably should, and I'm not going to now - besides, I feel that there are definately some mixed signals going on here - first she's angry that people don't know the truth, now she's angry that they do.

So, this is where I stand right now. Your move, Claudia.

...And I haven't done anything stupid yet. Not even thrown anything, although this is the wrong type of feeling for that. I wish I could be angry. Angry is always easier - throw a few things, punch a few walls, yell at my brother, and then I calm down, and everything is fine again. But I can't manage angry. Can't live with her, it seems - or more accurately, she can't live with me - but I can't live without her, either. I'm hopeless. Worthless. I fail at relationships. For some reason, I keep trying anyway. It's both a blessing and a curse, I think - I can keep moving through everything life throws at me, because I keep believing, hoping that things will get better, even though they never really seem to. *sigh* Optimism has it's virtues, but pessimism hurts less.

Everything's fallen apart, again, and I don't think I can put it back together. Not well enough, anyway. I've been through this before, and it only makes things worse, never better, distances me from people, shatters trust, relationships. Hell, Rose still pretends I don't exist, and it still hurts.

I don't know if the fact that she'll probably never read this is comforting or not. Not, I think, because I want her to know. I had things to share, and I'm left with nobody to share them with any more. I'll probably mail back the books I borrowed on Monday - I can't look at them without crying. Kind of a pity, my library doesn't have them. Suppose I can request from other libraries, although that's a pain and I end up owing libraries I don't go to three dollars in overdue fines. But it would hurt less than this does.

Six hours, and I miss her already. I don't know how I'm going to live, except I know that I will, somehow. I always pull through. Not going to sleep well tonight, having had nightmares just come true. I'd add 'if I sleep at all', but I know if nothing else, pure exhaustion will claim me by eight or nine am. When I fall asleep is more likely to depend on when I finally tear myself away from being masochistic and reading old journal entries.

(Also, anyone who's thinking of complaining about me being melodramatic and that I should just shut up and get over it? Say it if you like, I don't give a fuck, but it won't change anything other than making me not like you, because I don't tell you what to write about in your journal.)

One of the most emotionally hurtful things I personally have experienced is knowing that someone you care about is doing their best to actively pretend you don't exist, and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't do it, kids. Well, unless you want to make me absolutely miserable.

I have three deep, large blisters rapidly forming on the palm of my right hand. On the plus side, our living room is now a rather nice shade of yellow, and that says something coming from me.

I was going to finish writing letters, but I don't think I have the mental energy to pretend to be interesting for three pages right now. I did get your letter, Yuumei, thank you <3