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I just need to get this out of my system. A few different people know bits and pieces of this already, but I don't think anyone knows all of it. Thus, it is largely for the benefit of these few people, so they don't have to listen to my bitching and whining.
I largely feel that I'm a pretty decent person. Not one of the best, but not one of the worst either. But there are some things about myself I really, truly hate. I hate my temper. I hate my mood swings, my emotionalism. I hate my jealously, I hate my need for attention. I hate my talent for always messing things up.
I'm also surrounded by friends who will always, always be better than me at basically everything I try. The only exception to this is graphic design, and guess what? Unless I'm making something shiny for them, nobdy really care for any longer than five minutes. Half the friends on my friendslist, there are people who know who they are, without even ever talking to them. Me? I'm a nobody, practically everywhere. And that hurts.
To top it off, I can't even tell if my friends actually care about me or not. If I were to leave AIM on for several hours, I would maybe get two IMs, and they'd be from two specific people, who should know who they are. Any other form of communacation? It's the exact same thing. Unless I do it myself (which I try to), it's like I'm not there at all. Even in the middle of conversations, people seem to forget about me on occasion. And I always get this sense that even if they do care about me, most of them care about all their other friends a lot more. I'm always outside the little groups, never actually belonging, even with friends I've known for years and years. And that really, really bothers me, even if it is my paranoia and me sensing things that aren't actually there.
Damn. If there was anything else I wanted to say, I've gone and forgetton it.
Disclaimer: I'm not upset at anyone specificly, more just at myself and in general. Try not to take my emotional oubursts too personally...I lash out at people when I get upset, without actually really meaning to hurt them. I'm trying my best not to, while still getting the same point across.
(I'm calming down now, will sparkle over Disney later)
I largely feel that I'm a pretty decent person. Not one of the best, but not one of the worst either. But there are some things about myself I really, truly hate. I hate my temper. I hate my mood swings, my emotionalism. I hate my jealously, I hate my need for attention. I hate my talent for always messing things up.
I'm also surrounded by friends who will always, always be better than me at basically everything I try. The only exception to this is graphic design, and guess what? Unless I'm making something shiny for them, nobdy really care for any longer than five minutes. Half the friends on my friendslist, there are people who know who they are, without even ever talking to them. Me? I'm a nobody, practically everywhere. And that hurts.
To top it off, I can't even tell if my friends actually care about me or not. If I were to leave AIM on for several hours, I would maybe get two IMs, and they'd be from two specific people, who should know who they are. Any other form of communacation? It's the exact same thing. Unless I do it myself (which I try to), it's like I'm not there at all. Even in the middle of conversations, people seem to forget about me on occasion. And I always get this sense that even if they do care about me, most of them care about all their other friends a lot more. I'm always outside the little groups, never actually belonging, even with friends I've known for years and years. And that really, really bothers me, even if it is my paranoia and me sensing things that aren't actually there.
Damn. If there was anything else I wanted to say, I've gone and forgetton it.
Disclaimer: I'm not upset at anyone specificly, more just at myself and in general. Try not to take my emotional oubursts too personally...I lash out at people when I get upset, without actually really meaning to hurt them. I'm trying my best not to, while still getting the same point across.
(I'm calming down now, will sparkle over Disney later)
